I Have Door Envy

I have a feeling that blogging is a sort of subculture thing and I am finding, two days after I began my own blog that I am accumulating quite the circle of imaginary internet friends, with whom I remain connected by means of bookmarks.

Not a system of bookmarks. Yet. But soon. Very soon.

Imaginary friend Sherri wrote about cube life in her blog, which jogged a few thoughts loose on the subject. It was she who wrote that elegant turn of phrase, "I have door envy." I know just how she feels.

I work in a largish cube, which (as I have noted before) has an ocean view that sometimes affords me a view of whales as they commute to and from their summer homes in Baja. The cube is designed to accomodate four people, though there are currently only three cubizens* living there, including me. The other two are B and C.

B is an average guy who would give the shirt off his back to anyone who needs it more than he does. He comes across as being just the slightest bit uncomfortable in his own skin, but he's f-ing brilliant. He just gets it. He and I see eye to eye about 95% of the time, which is handy when you share a cubicle and a view. Like me, he prefers classical music to Neo-Fascist Talk Radio, which by itself makes him fine by me.

C is an unassuming guy who just happens to be The Smartest Man On The Planet. C is the kind of man who can rewire the phones in his house, remodel a bathroom, and write Naval Doctrine all in the same weekend. If someone someday tells me C won the Nobel Prize, I'll probably yawn and say, "That figures." The coolest thing about C is that he thinks I'm as smart as he is, and we share a sense of amazement at how often we both get away with seeming smarter than we actually are. (And yes, it is possible to be the smartest guy in the room and have people think you're Even Smarter Than That.) We Make Stuff Up, and we get paid well for it.

The three of us have some very cool conversations. Mostly on a professional level.

The problem is that when we're all three in the cube, we get very little actual work done.

This is a problem, because frequently, one or more of us has actual work that needs to get done.

Lately, I've taken to "working from home" when I need to, or to donning headphones and listening to a CD, or to simply turning around and ignoring everyone and everything.

For a time, there were a number of people who felt they could waltz into my cubicle and pull up a chair...I'd spend hours answering questions or just Making Stuff Up on the fly for people. But that meant that I got nothing done, except that.

That happens less frequently now, because about a year ago, I started insisting on visitors making appointments. "I'm sorry," I'd say to someone who came in to ask how to properly operate the electric stapler, "I can't talk right now, but I can slot you in on Tuesday at 9:15." I guarded my time with more zeal than the maitre d' at Sardi's does his reservation list. Ahhh, the good old days.

Once in a while, I inadvertently mess with someone's head. Today, for example, while I sat with headphones on at my computer, the phone in the next cube began to ring. I was actually between songs, and didn't have the volume up loud, anyhow, but C spun in his chair and yelled, "HEY, KURT! AREN'T YOU GOING TO ANSWER THAT?"

Using my best hyper-quiet "inside voice", I answered, "No, I don't answer Al's phone, Dude."

C looked crestfallen. "Oh," he said. "I thought it was your phone."

"No," said I, gravely. "It's Al's."

We both spun in our chairs and went back to Making Stuff Up, but secretly, I was laughing. So was C, probably, because he's cool like that.

I sometimes feel like I'm a forgotten character from The Wizard of Oz: The Cubicle Man. Someday, Dorothy and Toto will happen by on their way to the Emerald City. When they do, this is what I'll sing:

Well I'd earn a pretty penny
If there simply weren't any
Interruptions any more...
No more wastin' of my talents,
and my checkbook would be balanced
If I only had a door!

I'm sure what I ask for
Won't make the comp'ny poor
A ceiling, walls and floor
I've got a view
Why not a door?

I could surf with no one lookin'
View porn or diet cookin'
Check CNN and more...
And on those days with nothin' hap'nin',
With my feet up, I'd be nappin'
If I only had a door!

*Cubizen: a word I just made up from the root words cube and denizen.