Things I Do Not Understand

I’m feeling a bit curmudgeonly, so although I probably ought to be apologetic about this post, I am not.

Not at all.

So, on to the Things I Do Not Understand:

Otherwise intelligent women who say they want a nice guy but will choose the obvious jerk every time.  Please just shut up about how you really only want a nice guy.  I am a nice guy, and I am available.  If you really wanted a nice guy, you would choose me.  What you want is someone who reinforces your insecurities, because that’s where you feel most comfortable.  

Otherwise intelligent men who act like jerks when they’ve got a good thing going with a great woman.  What the hell is your problem?

Loud, lengthy, personal conversations on their cell phones in public.  I don’t want to know what you had for dinner last night.  I don’t want to know about your sister’s marital problems.  I don’t want to know about any of your medical problems.  Your gossip not only bores me, it’s also distracting me so much that I’ve read the same sentence eight times now, and I still don’t know what it says.  Perhaps I should start reading out loud?  If I did, I wouldn’t be any less annoyed with you, but you’d be annoyed with me, so the Cosmic Balance would be restored.

Droopy drawers.  Your boxers are your business, not mine.  I’m careful not to show you the crack of my ass, and I’d appreciate the same consideration.  Hint: the belt goes ABOVE your ass.

Eyebrow and lip piercings.  Are those unsightly bumps on your brow the look you were going for, because, really, it just seems like you might want to get that looked at.  Is it even possible to kiss someone when you have a lip ring?  

Clear plastic spit cups.  Gack.  Please keep your Copenhagen backwash hidden.  Thank you.

Traveling in sweats that look like PJs.  I’m 44, which I don’t consider to be very old, but I remember a time when people tried to look nice when they arrived for a visit with their distant relatives and friends.  I suppose maybe airline travel has become such an uncomfortable inconvenience that you feel obliged to make yourself as comfortable as possible, but please…can you at least try to look as though you bathed before I have to sit with my shoulder pressed against you for three hours?

Breast implants.  Okay, these are a good thing for reconstructive surgery, but on behalf of all men everywhere, I’m going to apologize for making you feel you need enhancement to improve your self image.  Here’s something for you to ponder while you’re looking through the catalog in your plastic surgeon’s office: You’re not catering to triple-digit IQs by getting big boobs with an unnatural shape.  

Tattoos on the small of a woman's back.  What is this about?  Girls, here’s a clue: the small of your back is one of the few parts of your body that you can rely on in the face of gravity.  Along with the nape of your neck, it’s seriously overlooked as an erogenous zone, but putting a tattoo here to get guys to look at that part of you is like putting a 60-foot billboard on a beach that says, “This Would Be A Good Place To Play Volleyball!”  

I may make this a regular feature…what do you think?