Inaccessible.

I have been taking a pseudo-break from blogging.  You may have noticed.  

Actually, I’ve been taking a break from most forms of writing.  I’m not sure why.  There haven’t been many things on my mind that have seemed worthy of throwing out there for the sake of whatever flavor of posterity comes as a side dish when the entrée is Blog.

I have felt mostly like retreating from the world, of late.  I am not unhappy…far from it…but I simply have not felt like I have the energy to extend myself and deal with other people.  

Part of it stems, I’m sure, from the realization that I’m still carrying around quite a lot of anger, which manifests itself primarily as self-abuse in the form of bad eating habits.  I have also been quite a bit shorter with people than I like – also rooted in anger.  

So, fat and unpleasant to be around, I’ve taken to being a bit reclusive: I’ve ignored voice mail from friends, failed to call when I said I would, blown off e-mails, brought my noise-canceling headphones to work, retreated to the virtual world of Microsoft Flight Simulator (where lately, I have been flying a model of a World War II-era fighter plane – with its virtual guns disabled…paging Dr. Freud, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!), and have started to learn to swear in Mandarin.  (青蛙操的流氓) You probably don’t want to know what that means – and part of the joy of swearing in a language no one understands is…that no one understands.

The funny part of all this (and that’s not to say that learning to swear in a foreign language just for the sake being able to do so isn’t funny), is that I’m actually not depressed.  I’m quite content with my life, which is, on the whole, pretty effing good.  I am healthy (more or less – aside from my weight), I make a good living doing a job I love, and despite being solitary (a term I prefer to “single”), I’m not unmanageably lonely.  

You know that feeling you get when you’re in the midst of something, feeling in the groove, and you’re surprised to find that you’re bleeding, but you have no idea when it happened or how?  It isn’t particularly painful, or you’d have noticed the injury right away, but you need to stop and tend to it…and then you don’t quite feel safe any more, doing what you were doing.

That’s how I feel right now.

What’s bleeding?  Certainly not my heart, which you’ll know from reading my last post.  I’m not sure.  

I do know that I’ve become aware of the perception people seem to have that I am damaged.  And not just me…but the women I seem to be attracting.  Not all of the women who’ve found me attractive of late would qualify as “damaged”, but the one who is not falls squarely into a category that can only be called “inaccessible”.  

Which makes me wonder: Do I choose that?  Do I have something against being in a healthy, supportive relationship?  Have I chosen to isolate myself?  Which of the two of us is really the inaccessible one?