And I'm Sticking To It

I write my Sihaya daily to tell her that she is a) beautiful (she is), b) smart (hey, she picked me), c) amazing (talented and lovable), and d) any of a limitless number of equally appropriate and complimentary adjectives. When she was in Europe, first on a cruise, and then visiting friends in Rome and Tuscany, and gone for three (very long) weeks, I kept it up, because years from now, I would like to be able to honestly say that since we chose to love each other, I’ve told her she’s beautiful every day.

Because she is.

And I never get tired of saying so.

Now, allow me to assuage your fears that this will just be one of those sickly-sweet posts about newfound love; it’s actually an explanation of why I’m finding it so difficult to post these days.

Time.

Now, aside from similar world views and senses of humor, my Sihaya and I really began with only two common interests – movies and food…and, well, okay, three common interests. Since we’ve been seeing each other, she’s broadened my horizons more than I ever thought possible.

Seriously.

Since she’s a belly dancer, I figured I’d learn to play the doumbek (a Middle Eastern drum…trust me, you’ve heard one), so I have drumming class on Monday evenings. On Tuesdays, I often go with my Sihaya and some friends to the theatre. My friend Bear invited me to join a comedy improvisation class on Thursdays. Fridays are date nights, and Saturday mornings we fill with Tai Chi. There is no room left in my schedule for full-contact needlepoint.

I would never have considered any of this before meeting my Sihaya. Oh, sure, I’d have thought about it, in a sort of wouldn’t-it-be-nice sort of way, but the fact that I now have a companion for most of these things…there is someone other than me who benefits from all these activities…that’s the inch that put me over a mile, so to speak.

Despite the difference she’s made in my life (and she tells me I’m making similar differences in hers), I’ve noticed recently that neither of us compliments the other with absolutes. Neither will say, “You’re the best (blank),” or say, “This is the most (blank) I’ve ever had with anyone.”

Oh, we compliment each other, to be sure. As I said, I tell her every day that she’s beautiful and I try every day to tell her how amazing she is; she tells me just as often how wonderful I am and how lucky she feels to have me in her life.

I’m not saying the absolutes are necessary, I’m just making the observation that they’ve been absent.

For a while, I thought of this absence as a choice we had both made, because absolutes can come across as less credible, and somehow undermine the integrity of what we’re building with each other. How can I possibly be the best? Haven’t we both learned that, having loved before and now again, that there isn’t just one person to love? That to love someone is a choice? Once you’ve said, “You’re the best,” to one person, can you honestly say it again to someone else?

My Sihaya does not see things from this admittedly cynical and simplistic point of view. When I mentioned this topic to her, she said simply, “To use absolutes like that is to ignore the whole of the person.”

Does she love kissing me because I am a good kisser or because my eyes light up when I look at her? Do I love spending time with her because she’s beautiful, and smart, and funny, or because she opens herself to me a little more with every day we spend together?

The answer, of course, is Yes. It’s all of those things and more.

A tribute offered to one aspect of the person we love means that we overlook the rest of her, even if only for a moment. An absolute compliment leads us away from the anticipation, the expectation of a still deeper relationship, and an even greater understanding of the one we love – it robs us of our desire to see more of the infinite mystery that is the essence of romance.

She’s an amazing woman, my Sihaya – beautiful and thoughtful and generous and loving – and every day, she becomes more beautiful, more amazing. Every day, I am more drawn to her. Every day some question is answered, some new mystery is presented, and so it goes. I devour every paragraph of her as though she is a sublime story well told.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing all this time. I’ve been reading.