Decrazed

I made myself crazy one afternoon last week.  

I could see it happening, and dagnabbit, I felt powerless to stop it.  

I second-guessed myself into a snit.

I had suggested to Sihaya that we spend an evening in rather than out, and did so late in the day, by e-mail.  When she didn’t respond right away, I began to wonder if I’d been too forward.  What if she thinks I’m suggesting we have sex, and she’s not ready for that?  I’m not suggesting that, but does she know me well enough yet to know that?  

You get the idea.

So, I wrote another e-mail, apologizing and assuring her of my gentlemanly intent.  Thankfully, she was patient with me.

Note to self: Sihaya isn’t going to do anything she doesn’t want to do, and she’ll suggest we do something else if she’s not comfortable.  

Note to self (Part II): Stop being a bonehead.

All of this offers me an excellent opportunity to look at my feelings about relationships.  I want one.  (That’s a good thing, since it appears that I am in one.)  

The truth is that for the first time in quite a while, I find myself in the presence of an attractive woman who not only finds me desirable on several levels, but also actively seeks out my company.

I’m scared shitless.

Not because I’m afraid of having Sihaya want me, but of having her not want me.  And that fear can, if I let it, unman me, as Shakespeare would have put it.  

Not an attractive quality.

I’m paying attention here: Sihaya knows who she is and what she wants.  She’s thoughtful and kind and considerate and direct.  She’s not at all afraid to speak her mind.  I need to trust her.  

She seems to trust me.  And more than that, she trusts herself.  

Note to self (Part III): I can trust her, too.