Hey, I Gotta What If...

One of my favorite movies, “The Majestic”, begins with that line. It’s so full of possibilities, that line, and then the off-screen voice goes on to describe an idea so devoid of possibilities that it barely qualifies as an idea.

I’ve been mulling over the problem of attraction lately. Whenever I meet a woman, no matter what the circumstances, I ask myself, What if? What if she's attracted to me? What if she's not? The debate paralyzes me.

Why have I been unattached for so long? There’s no doubt I’ve chosen this path, to a certain extent, but I cannot and will not take full responsibility for it. I, who believe wholeheartedly in personal responsibility.

There have been opportunities in the last five years. With perhaps two exceptions, the women I’ve met in that time have been unattractive or unattracted to me. Those two women with whom things clicked? There were Reasons It Could Never Be. No, neither of them was involved when we met, it’s just that life is often more…complicated…than we’d often like it to be.

I know that location has a great deal to do with what’s considered attractive; here in California, most folks place tremendous emphasis on the physical, and the words “athletic” or “fit” being the most commonly used adjectives in the online personal ads I’ve read locally. As one woman wrote, “Disney really ruined it for our generation.”

Maybe that’s the problem: we don’t want to just be in love, we want to be in love in a movie.* Okay, but how can we forget that Belle got to know her true love when he was still the Beast?

Stephanie Klein writes, “I need someone extraordinarily talented. I need to be in awe, and feel proud of the man I’m with. It can’t be because of how well he treats me, but rather I need someone powerful and charged, someone extraordinary, put on this earth to make a difference. I need to look up to him. That’s my type.”

Gets right to the heart of it, doesn’t she?

How do you get to the point of being certain that the person you’re with is capable of making a difference? Is it possible to spot the extraordinary over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine?

I don’t think it is.

I think it takes time. Ten dates, at least. And even then…there will be questions. Most women relentlessly test the men they’re with until they’re sure. If they’re insecure, they continue to test them after they’re sure.

But getting to the point where there’s a second date…how does one do that? It’s a question I’ve wrestled with for a while now.

Stephanie may have given us a hint when she wrote that she needs someone powerful. That’s really what’s been missing in me lately. I am an accomplished man, professionally and personally. I’m well read, smart, funny, and reasonably sane. I do possess a certain amount of power on certain levels, and there’s no question that I’ve made a difference in the world.

But, on first meeting, I don’t project it. I don’t. Why is that?

My astonishing friend LJ and I went out for dinner one night about a year and a half ago, when she and I were still lovers. We sat at the bar instead of a table, because she’s a wonderfully social creature and she likes to be able to talk to people. On this particular evening, she spied two college-age women, standing ten feet from us and looking very thoroughly bored. Before I knew it, she’d introduced herself and invited them over for a drink. After maybe five minutes of introductory small talk, LJ excused herself to go to the ladies’ room, and left me to carry on the conversation with these two attractive young women – not a situation I have ever felt comfortable with. To my surprise, the conversation continued to flow, and when she came back, this dear woman simply stood back and watched with a knowing smile. Later, when we were walking back to the car, she wrapped herself around my right arm and said, “The blonde was into you, did you notice that?” Yes, I had. “So now you know,” said she, “it’s not just me. Other women, even women half your age, think you’re attractive.”

I’d forgotten that story until this evening. Sorry, LJ…that was a helluva gift.

What is it about that lesson that’s so hard for me to accept?

I think I make a choice…I’ve caught myself at it more than once…to avoid doing those things that attracted bad relationships in the past. After all, if I don’t have any relationships, I can’t have another bad one, right? So on meeting someone new, I withdraw, and hide the qualities that might make me attractive.

I justify this behavior by citing how seldom I’ve met someone I’d actually want to date long term. The odds that the next woman I meet will be extraordinary are slim, so why bother?

Hey, I got a what if: what if she is?

Because maybe. Just maybe.



* Shout out to Nora Ephron: Yo, Nora! ‘Sup?!?