I Should Probably Not Blog So Early in the Morning

I woke up this morning at about 3:30, which is not uncommon when I have a lot on my mind.  

At times like these, when I’m most inside my head, I really wish I could write the way Stephanie Klein does, with beautifully woven bits of imagery.  Usually, the best I can manage is a sort of kvetching, self-indulgent…well, “whine” would be a good word if this were an audio blog.

The whole concept of blogging has come into question as of late.  Stephanie wrote about what she very aptly called “the secret life of blogs”, how the beginning of each blog is like e-mailing one’s self, as though working out what one thinks and feels in conversation with one’s closest friend.  As it catches on, as people begin to read, the blogger becomes a bit of an exhibitionist, balancing what he shares with what he doesn’t, eager to express the thoughts that drove him to create a blog, but desperately avoiding full disclosure.

There are places one does not go.

There is always the risk of discovery.

Of course, that’s part of the appeal.  It’s perversely exciting to know that someone might connect the Kurt Kalbfleisch I wear for the benefit of others with the naked one here.  Semi-naked, anyway.

Anonymity is a personal choice, or it is here, at least.  

It’s a funny thing, and I suppose pretty telling about who I am: I choose vulnerability over security almost every time I’m given the choice.

No, that’s not true.  Most times, I don’t have the courage to choose vulnerability.  When it comes to small moments of vulnerability, I often run and hide.  Approached by a beautiful woman, I tell myself that I’ve nothing to say and retreat into embarrassing silence.  Once engaged in conversation, my eyes drift of their own accord to someplace safe, so that I don’t have to see the reaction to the thoughts I reveal, and I am sure this is universally perceived as disinterest.  (It isn’t: I am simply very, very shy.)  I know that these things are subtle – though sometimes perhaps not so subtle -- defense mechanisms.  

I’d like to say that this little moment of self-realization will lead to full-scale change in my life, that I’ll stop doing the things that keep me from letting people in, from letting myself into other people.  

If only it were that simple.  

What will it take, I’ve often wondered, to get me to stop doing those things?

What do I need?

Last week, Gillian posted this meme (without tagging anyone), and, well, it does sort of offer up some answers to that last question.

Yes.

So here’s how it works: do a Google search for “YOUR NAME needs” (don’t forget the quotation marks) and see what comes up.  Where I’ve written “YOUR NAME” in all capital letters, put your own name.  For example, my search string was “Kurt needs”.

That phrase resulted in 1,980 links (funny, I would have thought the phrase “Gillian needs” would have garnered more, since she’s got a much cooler name than I do.)

Here are some:

• Kurt needs some Kleenex


• Kurt needs a 350Z for that Houston, Texas!


• Kurt needs to give himself a couple of workers who can legitimately deliver in the ring


• Kurt needs you!


• Kurt needs new shoes


• Kurt needs support and direction


• Kurt needs to add and subtract some matrices


• A suit designed to repel bullets – just the type of outfit Kurt needs to take on sentries!


• Kurt needs a wife


• Kurt needs to work out to get rid of the belly

I’ll leave it up to you to decide which of those is astonishingly true and which are just silly.  It’s after 6 now, and I need to go shower and get ready to take on those sentries.