Over the last few days, I've read a couple blog entries dealing with the subject of guy friends from the feminine perspective. (If you'd like to read them, climb Inside Betty's Head, then read Ramblin' Girl's thoughts on the subject. I recommend both. In fact, go ahead and check them out now. I'll be here when you get back.)
RadiantSmile and I have been buddies for almost nine years. We met in an AOL chat room, and began by flirting pretty shamelessly with each other. Though we lived close to each other, we didn't meet in person for almost two years. Initially, I was in the midst of my divorce, and I think we both just wanted to have someone constant-but-uncomplicated in our lives. By means of e-mail and chat, we helped each other through two years of Dating Hell. She is smart, sweet, sensitive and sensual, and before I even laid eyes on her, I was in deep smit.
The story of how we met face-to-face is a good one, but for later. The short version is that our friendship has deepened over the years partly because we just get each other, and partly because we don't let each other get away with anything. We trust each other.
Betty says, "...my trust...had grown so deep that I was no longer willing to risk involving my body in the equation." I'm sure that it wasn't that simple for RadiantSmile, but the "I don't want to risk our friendship" conversation did eventually happen. It had to. I'd let her know how I felt, and she simply wasn't comfortable with it.
For the sake of this wonderful friendship, I've accepted those boundaries. I think it's made our friendship deeper in some ways. RadiantSmile has made some bad choices (and had some bad choices made for her) when it comes to men, and I know that she needs a man in her life who isn't a bad choice. It occurred to me about a year and a half ago that loving her means being that for her unconditionally.
That doesn't stop me from checking out her ass every chance I get. She's got a great ass.
I'm still a little saddened by her choice. My parents have been together for 47 years, and they'll tell you that the secret to success in marriage is not romance, passion and great sex...it's friendship. My parents are still together because they're best friends. They've dealt with things that tear most couples apart...financial trouble, oppressive job stress, the death of a child. What held them together was their friendship. That's what I learned from; I know it's rare.
Ramblin' Girl commented on another blog that most people seem to believe that the best way to not break things is to not play with them, and she finds this very sad. Like her, I believe that the best way to not break things is to play with them with care; I believe that a far deeper romance is possible when people begin with friendship and trust.
So, I am simply RadiantSmile's friend, because I trust her to know what she wants and needs, and because if I chose not to trust her that way, I'd lose her incredible insight. I'd lose the one woman friend I've ever had who knows me so well she can spot when I'm being dishonest with myself.
Being disappointed by her choice doesn't mean I'm pining for her, and I think knowing that reassures her that we can be friends. It's a fine line, I suppose.
With the right woman, it's well worth it.
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7 comments:
I'm speechless. That was an amazing post. And I am so sorry to learn of your loss of (one of?) your sibling(s?).
Thanks, Amy. (I'm blushing a little.)
I never knew my sister Karen. I was two, and she died shortly after she was born. She had a lengthy list of congenital defects which these days are all the reasons why mothers-to-be swear off alcohol. You'd never hear of this these days, but the pediatrician quietly explained to my parents that her life would be very short and very painful and that it was perhaps best to just let her go.
I cannot imagine that it was any easier then to make that decision than it would be now.
My parents never blamed anyone other than themselves...not even each other, and that says a lot about their character.
~Kurt
Thanks, amazing post!
My parents, too have been together for over 40 years, and I think the basis for their making it through has been their friendship. I am appreciative that seeing them get through tough times because of their friendship is why I have been freinds with most of my now-ex-boyfriends. The ones that it didn't start that way or eventually get that way were the ones that weren't worth my time.
RadiantSmile is lucky to have a friend like you! Sometimes friendships don't survive when only one is interested in more, the ones that do, you know are the strong ones!
rg
Well, I have finally had time to read almost all of your posts from the beginning. I am now officially checking you daily - no pressure!
I like your down-to-earth writing voice and sense of humor. I like that you're a Python fan, a Tull fan (who surely knows there IS no Jethro in the band), you're a Star Wars fan, you can spell, you met C.S. Lewis' stepson... how cool CAN you be??
Wait. Does that make me guilty of not-so-quiet dorkiness myself? Oh well. I'm happy to be the third person in your audience, which will surely grow soon. :-)
I bumbled on here from rambling girl's who I found through Jerk... lovely post !!! I will be back.... =)
That was definitely amazing - and really makes me thing about my situation with Mr. Right. We truly are the best of friends...and I wonder if we will really be able to make it through this rough patch or not.
"i trust you to trust me" that ran throught my head as i read this post. i think it really only related to maybe two sntences of your post. anyway, that's a great post. even though you can't be her lover, be her friend unconditionally for life and having that in her life and in yours will be a gift forever. nowadays friends last longer than most lovers, don't risk that beautiful friendship.
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