Settling

Yesterday, Ramblin' Girl posted some questions about online dating, and today expressed some more (very thoughtful) remarks about dating in general, and (as she often does) she got me to thinking.

This very wise, self-aware, articulate woman concludes with "...maybe I'm being too picky. but I don't want to settle." Single friends of mine always seem to say that: "I don't want to settle."

What does this mean, exactly? Dictionary.com lists no less than 18 definitions for "settle", but the two that I think are most appropriate are:

1. To put into order; arrange or fix definitely as desired.

-and-

7. To establish on a permanent basis; stabilize.

Isn't that what we want, when we're seeking a long term relationship? Something permanent, fixed and stable? If that's true, then it's contradictory to say, "I don't want to settle," when that's exactly what we're actively seeking. It sends a mixed message to the Universe (if you're spiritual) and to the people you date (even if you're not spiritual).

Taken literally, "I don't want to settle," means, "I don't want to establish anything permanent."

Of course, what's left unsaid is often as meaningful as what's said. Perhaps what's unsaid is, "...for less than I feel I deserve." Speaking only for myself, I don't want to settle for less than I feel I deserve, because I really don't want to be in another dysfunctional relationship. I want someone I can be happy with.

For a long time, I had a laundry list of desires that pretty closely described the woman I want to spend my life with. After I'd been solitary for a while, I started pulling that list apart, and realized that what I was looking for was an amalgam of all the women I've ever loved, minus the qualities that drove them away from me or me away from them (depending on your point of view). It struck me that I hadn't made any allowances for my perfect girl to be imperfect.

I read somewhere (and I think it was Harville Hendrix's Keeping the Love You Find) that while laundry lists are okay when searching for a mate, strict adherence to them is not. The author made the very good point that if you find someone with 70% of the qualities and characteristics you seek, you should consider yourself pretty lucky. Compromise is going to be a given throughout your life together, so it makes sense that you'll have to compromise a bit from the git-go.

Last year, as my sister's wedding approached, my brother-in-law and I got to talking about how he'd come to realize that my sister was indeed the woman he wanted to spend his life with. He said, "I threw away all my preconceived ideas of what I wanted and settled on four qualities: smart, funny, beautiful and sane. Your sister has all those things in spades."

It was a sartorial moment for me. Smart, funny, beautiful and sane. Finding the woman I want means being more open, not more specific.

I took a year off from dating after that, to reassess my priorities, and I've even shortened Joe's list. Here's what I'm looking for:

Funny. Laughter is a big part of my makeup, it was part and parcel of my family life when I was growing up and still is. If you're going to fit in with my family, and with me, you need to be able to take an idea and run with it. You gotta riff. One important element of humor is intelligence; without the ability to outsmart everyone around him, Charlie Chaplin's "Little Tramp" would just be another tiresome, clumsy idiot. So, funny is a two-fer.

Beautiful. I'm not necessarily talking about what she looks like. Lazarus Long said, "A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she is beautiful--he just hadn't noticed it at first."

Sane. This one is apparently the most elusive. Most of my attempts to quantify it begin with the words, "She doesn't". She doesn't call me at work just so she can kvetch. She doesn't insist on being right after I've won an argument. She doesn't ask questions that put me on the spot, then blame me when she doesn't like the answer. Of course, there are the "she does" variety. She does accept compliments well. She does value my opinion. She does understand my silences and respect my occasional need for solitude.

I've only just started dating again, so I can't tell you yet how this is working out. But, if the lessons I've been learning in other areas of my life can be applied, then simpler is better. I'm not so picky any more. I'm dating with optimism...every woman I meet could be the girl I spend my life with, and I look forward to the time spent finding out.

Three items on my list.

I'll settle for that.