Autoanthropology 101

Are there times when you look at yourself the same way that, say, a student-with-an-undeclared-major with a Monday morning Anthropology 101 class looks at an Amazonian shaman?*

I do. Here are some observations:

1. I read yesterday's horoscope and compare it with how my day went. Sometimes, if I’m eager to know how my day should have gone, I’ll read today’s horoscope in the evening.

2. I sometimes avoid daydreaming in public places on the off chance that someone there can read my thoughts and will laugh at me. This is not paranoia, it’s just quiet dorkiness. (I really try to avoid the kind of internal dialogue that MUNI muser Kristy Sammis seems to revel in.)

3. I will look up to identify an airplane flying overhead, even at night. Sometimes, I’ll try to identify it by sound first, then look up to see if I was right, but I almost never am. I also like trains.

4. I sometimes speak in strange accents for absolutely no reason. Scottish seems to come out most often. When I was still in the Navy, I’d motivate my troops by saying, “Well, alr-r-right, git goin’, ye tosser-r-rs! Quit cr-r-ryin’ like a packa wee geerls, ye fairies!” No one is ever amused by this a second time. (Except the people in my family, which probably explains a few things.)

5. I fantasize about picking women up at Starbucks by sneaking a peek at the name on their cup and greeting them like we knew each other years ago. (I have never tried this, mainly because I am not quite ready to make that big a fool of myself, but partly because I’ve always suspected that women use fake names when they order their coffee…to thwart dorks like me who sneak peeks at the name on their cup.)

6. A woman can get me to do anything for her by playing with the hair on my chin or on my chest. And I do mean anything. I would paint Impressionist murals on every surface of her home. This offer only lasts while her fingers are actually in contact with my chest hair or goatee.

7. I like to listen to orchestral film scores. As I write this, I am listening to the soundtrack to "Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith".

10. No, there is no missing 8 or 9. I tend to like things in tidy packages, and 10 is tidy.

* "Like, ew. I sort of get you, and all, but you're still, like, eww!!"