I Just Realized Why I Haven't Shaved My Head

The last time I saw my hairdresser, she suggested that I consider shaving my head.

Now, I reconciled myself to the inevitability of my baldness years ago, but it still came as a shock to hear that particular piece of advice come from my young, cute, heterosexual female hairdresser.

I really don't want to ask her to do it. It just doesn't feel right. Sort of like breaking up with a girlfriend and asking her, "So, before I go, how about one last..."

C walked into the cubicle this morning and said, "It was ELEVEN O'CLOCK."

I am busy answering e-mails and don't turn around right away. This is not an unusual way for us to start our workday.

B says, "WHOA! What happened to you?"

To hell with e-mails. I turn. C is sporting a freshly shaved head.

C: "I'm going to tell you this in the STRICTEST CONFIDENCE." He is being sarcastic, of course.

Me: "I won't tell a soul." Except the three people who read my blog.

C: "I have cut my own hair for the last ten years." I believe him. He continues, "My wife usually helps clean up the back of my neck, but I basically do it myself. I've used everything from dog clippers to those fancy Vidal Sassoon things."

Me: "Dog clippers?"

C: "Yeah. They're the same thing. Basically, it's mechanically the same."

Me: "...as Vidal Sassoon..."

C: "Yes. So, last night, I start to cut my hair. I do one swipe, a second swipe, and on the third swipe..." He makes a sound effect: nnneeeEEEEeerrrT! He pantomimes the clippers stopping suddenly. In mid-swipe. A third of the way back, two-thirds of the way up the side of his head.

Me: "The dog clippers?"

C: "Vidal Sassoon!"

Me: "Wow." I am afraid to ask what happened to the dog clippers.

C: "I tell my wife that she's gotta run to Walgreen's to buy a new set so I can finish, but she's laughing too hard and says she can't go. So I had to sleep like that. Half my head was cold, and it felt funny when I rolled over. I did not get a good night's sleep."

C's wife got up early and went to Walgreen's, but not until after she'd made him turn from side to side a few more times, so she could get in a good laugh.

And I realized, right then, why I have not shaved my head yet.

It's because I don't have anyone who will run to Walgreen's for me, and if my clippers die in the middle of the job, I'll be forced to make the Walk of Shame, in public, looking like Chingachgook from "Last Of The Mohicans."